Seems that everyone says their chili recipe is “the best,” and you know that’s not really true; but here, we’ll create the very bestest chili in the whole wide world. Yes indeed. The World’s Best! Guaranteed! Or quadruple your free licensing fee back!
Advisory Warning. This is not a vegan, vegetarian, lacto-ovo-vegetarian, or fruitarian dish. This is a carnivore recipe. I will follow with a tasty vegetarian dish soon.
Choose The Meat, or Not
2 lbs. organic, grass-fed or wild-caught meat. Cow, steer, buffalo, armadillo, chicken, squirrel, deer, javelina, elk, gnu, snake, possum …. Whatever you like. Some of the best chili down here in Texas is URK (Unidentifiable Road Kill) also called Highway Pizza provided you can beat the buzzards to it.
A note of caution regarding ‘wild caught’ meat. Here in Texas, ranchers feed the white tail deer with genetically-modified corn which we all should know is slathered with Glyphosate (RoundUp™) pesticide now proven to cause cancer and is destructive to the human gut-microbiome. So it’s important to know where the deer, turkey, javelina, dove, et. al. lived and if it has been grazing on pesticided fields or fed GMO corn. The idea of clean meat from hunted game is now officially fading into the sunset.
Most people will use a lean, 100% Pasteur/grass-fed ground beef. When you brown it, you can add a dash of red wine, garlic and bell peppers to improve the nutrition and umami (savor).
Note: Do not use the neighbor’s barky dog. That dog has been on an unnatural diet of cooked ‘who knows what’ in the kibble and can –grains, GMO soy, fillers, organs from sick animals. Also, do not use skunk.
Grind or fine-chop the meat and brown it in a skillet. Take your time and use medium heat so as to not damage the amino acid structures.
Note: Red wine and garlic improve the fat-nutrition aspect of red meat by influencing the fatty acid assimilation (reduces arachidonic acids). The allium genus works well as a seasoning: thus garlic, onion, scallion, leek, chives, shallots are fine and add a distinct flavor.
Tips from Tips: Use Hamburger or Ground Round, fresh ground, grass-fed, organically-raised, antibiotic-free, pesticide-free. Food is for life – antibiotics and pesticides kill!
Choose The Stock
Bone Broth—28 oz. Chicken broth is the favorite because it’s mild. A bovine broth such as Beef, Ox, Buffalo, Yak, Water Buffalo, Bongo, Kudu, Eland, Antelope, Anoa, will add more “beefy” flavor.
Javelina, wild hog, boar, peccary, wart hog and other organic porcine broths (e.g. Entelodont, if you live in the past) can work just fine. Generally fish-bone broth does not lend itself to this recipe from a culinary perspective.
Go to the barn and take a large bore rifle …. Just kidding, go to your bone broth freezer and make your selection from the lovely Funky Kitchen bone broths you’ve already made or acquired.
Into a slow cooker pot, such as a crockpot, put 28 oz of BBOYC (Bone broth of your choice).
Choose The Beans
Organic Beans. 30 oz. cooked beans, e.g. BOYC “Beans Of Your Choice”: Kidney beans, Chili beans, Black Beans, Pinto Beans, Has-Beens (not coffee beans).
Prepare your beans the soak method: soak/sprout with kefir, slow cook. Discard the bean water as it’s carrying off unwanted molecules.
People in a hurry will use two 15-oz cans of Kidney beans. However, fresh-cooked beans are vastly superior and you can season to taste, e.g. a bay leaf, paprika, cilantro, garlic, ham hock, kombu. Besides they digest better; and don’t have the ‘pop.’
- If using canned beans, make sure they are organic. Pour off the first inch of water from the juice (the juice separates and is watery at the top of the can and thicker a little lower) and include the rest of the bean juice as part of the “bean contribution” to the overall chili flavor.
Prepare The Garlic
8 cloves organic garlic. Crush the garlic-cloves with the flat of a butcher knife. Let them sit for 5 minutes. This activates the Allicin molecule that helps your immune system regulate its normal, natural relations with your gut-microbiome. And it makes removing the garlic-husk much easier!
Then mince the garlic into tiny pieces. Toss the garlic in the pot.
Choppin’ Parsley
2 oz fresh chopped parsley. Go outside to your organic garden. Take some scissors. Snip a small nosegay of Italian parsley, e.g. a couple of sprigs, to make 2 oz of fresh chopped parsley. If you don’t have parsley in your garden—you can remedy that in your Spring garden by planting the seeds in the late Winter, or planting a bedding plant after the threat of freezing temperatures has expired.
Or: Use 1 Tbsp of organic, dried parsley from the spice jar.
Note, a good parsley patch will support a few black-swallowtail butterflies via the very hungry caterpillars that precede them. So plan on sharing a little if you love butterflies. These caterpillars have great personalities, are often seen smoking hookah pipes. Plus they stress the plant to employ its defenses which our human tongues perceive as “flavor” and our gut microbiomes use as regulatory molecules. But I digress …
Parsley adds botanical nutrients that buffers the acids of the meat and facilitates healthy uptake of amino acids. And it adds a compatible flavor.
Bell Pepper: Green, Yellow, Orange, Red Variations Of Flavors
Go outside to your organic garden. Take some scissors. Snip off a bell pepper. If early in the season, it’ll be a green bell pepper; if a bit later, it’ll be yellow; then orange, and finally red.
The greatest nutrition and best flavor is in the garden-ripe, red bell pepper.
| Nutrient | Green | Yellow | Red |
| Vitamin C | 137% | 282% | 292% |
| Vitamin A | 12% | 3.6% | 105% |
| β-Carotene | 340% | 110% | 841% |
Note: DV = “Daily Value.” The fact that one bell pepper can be darn near 300% more than the “daily value” suggests that daily values are virtually meaningless calculations published on the USDA database. But an overview of this chart points to the fact that a plant-ripened food is infinitely better than a store-bought, artificially or non-vine ripened vegetable. Just sayin’ …
Also interesting how the initial “green” nutrients are utilized resulting in a lowering at the “yellow” phase, then magically reappear when “red” ripe. These nascent nutrients are far superior to vitamin supplements having been freshly created by the plant’s innate intelligence.
Rinse, dice, and toss it in the cauldron.
Honkey/Donkey Burro-Kickin’ Jalapeno Flavor
3 Jalapenos, seeded & chopped. Go outside to your organic garden. Take some scissors. Snip off three jalapenos that are turning red. If too early for ripe ones (red), you can snip some nice green ones. Your jalapenos’ Scoville heat units will be dependent on the variety and if you stressed the plant. Most people grow mild to middlin’ warm jalapenos which are terrific for this recipe and will not add a burn that will curl your eyebrows and send children screaming for ice cream (organic, fresh-made, raw milk, wild honey, organic free-range egg, organic fruit) to put out the fire. If you are a HPW (hot pepper wuss), you can get Jeff’s Natural “Tamed” Jalapenos—full of flavor without a modicum of burn.
You can add other fresh peppers from your garden: ancho, pasilla, banana, chili, serano, naga, bhut jolokia, bird, habanero, devil’s tongue, fatalii, wiri-wiri, datil, cayenne, tepin, tien tsin etc. Keep in mind that others eating the chili may not have your level of heat-tolerance or appreciation of the subsequent endorphin release as much as another person. Compassionate people make fairly mild chili and then spice it up with fresh cayenne, fresh jalapeno should someone want the mule kick. Or surprise the heat-seekers with some scorpion pepper powder or simply stick a hot curling iron in their mouths and be done with it.
If you don’t have jalapenos in your garden, then your second best choice is organic, store-bought.
If you can’t find organic store bought, you can order them on-line.
If you’re too lazy to do that, then you can use organic, pickled jalapenos from the jar.
Organic Crushed Tomatoes/Organic Tomato Paste
The base of a good chili, barring a road-kill armadillo, is the tomato and chili powder base.
Venture outside to your organic garden and pick enough tomatoes to make 28 oz. of crushed tomatoes. Then do just that. Sit on ‘em. Crush ‘em. Toss ‘em in the pot.
Or, alas, if you did not plant tomatoes in your organic garden; then you’ll have to settle for the pablum of store-bought ones—grown, packaged, sprayed with who-knows-what, bikini waxed, and shipped to a warehouse near you.
Or, you can hasten your production and use organic tomato paste in a jar. Since tomatoes are acidic, they are best in glass jars, not cans. If opting for jarred tomato paste, use 21 oz.
Thus: 28 oz. of crushed tomatoes or 21 oz. of organic tomato paste. Into the hopper.
Organic Chili Powder
The flavor of chili comes from chili powder, and that’s different than fresh or dried chilies. Gotta have the organic chili powder.
For sensitive palates – 2 – 2.5 TBSP
For good-eatin’ mild palates – 5 TBSP
For adventurous palates – 6.5 TBSP
Stir it into the pot and let it simmer.
Organic Cumin Powder
Add 1.5 Tsp organic cumin powder. Great chefs and Hispanics know that too much cumin can ruin the subtle flavors of a recipe, and Anglos are notorious for using too much. Too little cumin leaves a recipe ‘lacking in substance.’ So, we have this ingredient calculated to the grain, and the right amount is 1½ Tsp as in Teaspoon.
Stir into the pot for a good simmer.
Experimentation Allowed
You can doctor your spice blend with other surprises … a dash of oregano add a wonderful mama-mia aspect (more on this below); pasilla pepper is mild and flavorful and adds a chili releno mystique.
Scot’s Whisky
Scotch can add a fascinating, smoky aspect to chili. When added to the crockpot, the alcohol is quickly burned off leaving the smoky, peaty flavor if a Highland single-malt is used; and a smoky, peaty, iodine-y flavor if an island single-malt is chosen.
Either way, Scotch whisky seems to meld the flavors into a homogenous whole. Amount? One wee dram. That’s actually 1/8 of an ounce – barely a taste. At that rate of use, your culinary bottle of overpriced single malt will last a while since there are 200 wee drams in a fifth. But as your recipe gains acclaim, do anticipate a run on it.
At this time, I don’t know of any chili recipe that employs scotch, but there are many that employ whiskey. Certainly the Scots would disapprove of wasting a wee dram in foolish cookery-frippery. So this may be a discovery of mine where one morning, while fixing my usual breakfast haggis, I spilled a large tumbler of Scotch into the mix (hard to pack a sheep’s stomach with meat and oatmeal while tippling the morning mouthwash – but darn near impossible to do without the libation when fixing haggis for breakfast—I’m sure you know exactly what I’m talking about!) and decided that the hair of the dog was a good addition to the recipe – but by then, who could really tell? [Note: I do so hope that you’ve figured out that I’m kidding … about the haggis. No really, about Scotch for breakfast. ]
Secret Ingredients
In the spirit of Col. Sanders, it’s always good to have a few secret ingredients so people will lick their bowls, something and that will save a lot of time with the dishwashing aspect after dinner. You can add a pinch of these herbs as Col. Sanders’ Spirit moves you, or none at all if it doesn’t:
- Fresh Cilantro (of course from your garden, or out of the organic spice jar) Be careful, it’s a mint, but it’s always nice to have a heavy-metal chelating, microbiome-supportive botanical in the mix. ½ Tsp.
- Oregano (right, it’s in your garden, or in the organic spice jar). Again, easy does it. Oregano is brain-associated with Italian cooking, but it’s also a staple of Mexican cuisine. Too much, and your chili will get brain-fogged and confused. Just an eentsy-weentsy dusting, and voila! Mystery! ½ Tsp.
- Ancho Chili Powder (might be in your garden, otherwise it’s organic in a spice jar.) Ancho chili is NOT HOT. It’s a mild, sweet pepper. So a light dusting of ancho chili powder can smooth out the savory flavors with a tinge of sweet. As they say, “A teaspoon of sugar helps the Lantus, Januvia, Metformin go down …” People’s brains respond quickly to the taste sensation of “sweet,” so a hint of Ancho seems to tickle taste buds that are not normally involved in the chili experience. 1 Tsp.
With all the above simmering in the crockpot for 2-4 hours, you can anticipate the many uses:
- In a bowl with organic, pasture-raised cheddar cheese
- Over a couple of organic, turkey wieners – yep that constitutes an open-face chili-dog
- A dip for celery stalks
- Over some crushed organic tortilla chips and call it a ‘frito pie.’
This entire recipe is actually easy to assemble if you are focused on convenience – one stop at the natural foods market and you’ll have everything.
Post Scriptum
It’s fun to experiment with the ingredients and choices. Keep notes as one day, you’ll hit on magic and may want to open a chili parlor. While typing this recipe for you, I’ve made a batch of chili and it’s fantastic … I did not have any Scotch, so I added some vermouth that’s been on the shelf thickening and evaporating for a couple of years. For me, cookin’ chili is an ever-changing experiment in nutrition and flavors. Next week, I’ll send you my recipe for ketchup and pickle-juice ice cream. – Chow! ~WellnessWiz Jack